The Many Faces of this Author

Talking to yourself is a natural process. That inner dialogue helps you process your thoughts. You may associate talking to yourself with mental weakness or disease processes but there is healthy self-talk. Check this out: Is it normal to talk to yourself?

                      TALK TO YOURSELF

There is a song called “Talk to Myself” by Christopher Williams. (Check it out: Talk To Myself) Those catchy lyrics proclaim that he talks to himself because there is no one to talk to, but I talk to myself because I need to.

Personally, I have a great inner circle. They are very supportive and honest. They make me feel I can do anything even if others doubt me (which I am sure they do, and it is ok). They are not jealous of my successes, and they pour into me with my failures (which I have, and some are just personal goals that I struggle with). This is the reason I focus so much on meaningful relationships and many of my posts will be about you finding your circle. I KNOW YOU SHOULD BE THE SOURCE OF YOUR OWN JOY, but we live in a world with others, and they can invade your joy space if you allow them, so make that space full of more positive people because the negative people are always going to be there.

We all have some negativity in us for someone we do not care for and trust and believe it pours out onto them even when trying to conceal it.  You are the source of someone else’s pain; it may not be intentional but there will always be some water and oil in your life. Your significant other can be your biggest cheerleader or your greatest source of self-doubt. Your friends and family can be your inspiration or your cause for stagnation.

Time to Change Your Thoughts

No one has a perfect life. Think of a person whose life you admire.

Do you admire their wealth, family, following, and personality?

Now understand that the person you admire most has struggles that could be worse than yours. They may have a following but seriously low self-esteem, they may have wealth but poor money management that will lead to debt, and they may have a great personality but no family or lover.

I do not have it all together, I have fears, sad days, self-doubt, and I procrastinate, but I also have my Joy Spot and my Faith and with that, the other negatives are just life experiences.  My goal is to get you to think the same way. YOU ARE WHO YOU WANT TO BE AND WHO YOU ARE IS NOT FOR THE WORLD TO DECIDE.

When you speak to yourself out loud or through internal conversation, you command your own private audience. Unfortunately, you do not always listen to yourself the way you absorb the words of others. We tend to hold on to other people’s thoughts and opinions of us much longer when they are negative.

What you must train yourself to do is listen to the positive speech from your inner dialogue and convert negative dialogue into learning experiences or learning inner conversations. There may be something we can change but that’s a conversation we should have honestly with ourselves.  We cannot stop others from speaking things to us, but we can stop thinking their words into our existence.

We talk to ourselves regularly, but we tend to listen to the negativity and pass over the positive. Check out my vlog (Focus On Your Positives) for an example of how others can take our positives and turn them into negative ones. Disclaimer: This vlog was me stepping out of my comfort zone along with this blog. I thought initially of all the negatives but I spoke the positives into my fears and I stepped out on faith.

Check this out: Focus On Your Positives

Tips to help you step out and do something different as well as how to focus on your positives. You have been talking to yourself about something that you may have wanted to venture out and do, but the fear of failure and sometimes the fear of success is related to how others perceive you. This Blog is my way of proving that you can talk yourself into something and not fear how others perceive you. 

• DO not ACCEPT the thoughts or words of others as your character. 
• You can change your personal perception of yourself by speaking your positive attributes to yourself.  
• Others can help you build a better personality, but they are a reference, not the blueprint.
• Receive all criticism constructively and not personally. Sometimes the very comment that is meant to break you is actually made to grow you.
• Others may feel you need to talk less and smile more but you may need to speak up for yourself more and smile about the fact that you did. (Check this out: Tallk Less Smile More, Just because I love this play),

The next blog will be dedicated to an action step, one of the various ways to work on the new you and find your Joy Spot!

Leave comments and topics you would like to explore. 

Being Transparent

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you need support. It means the world to have solid supportive relationships.

I love my friends and recognize that each friend has a different role in my life. I try my best to be supportive and understanding. I fall short and get tired but when I am with you, I am with you, and I will communicate with you until WE decide it is over.  

 

NEEDING SUPPORT

My level of support is not always reciprocated but that does not stop my actions. My level of support is not always at its best and I pray that it does not stop their support for me. 

When you show support, you are continuously showing others how you want to be treated. Eventually, they will get it, but sometimes they will not, there will always be exceptions to the rule. 

You may love some people so much that their inability to change is tolerable. Just make sure that you do not get lost. Give yourself time to regenerate when you feel weak and seek support from elsewhere. A perfect relationship/friendship is circular in nature.

This means it is always about US even when sometimes it seems it is about you and what you need. Sometimes it is about me and what I need but it is still about US. The next round I may have a greater need but we will still assess each other's needs and bring it back to US and so forth and so on.

This process should be the same in romantic relationships.

Friendships are like romantic relationships; they require work and compromises. As your relationship/friendship grows you should grow as well.  There are some relationships/friendships that are to be cherished and you work on growing them. There are some relationships/friendships that have come to the end of their season. 

As you are reading this there are relationships/friendships that come to your mind and those people’s role in your life should be evaluated. Never be afraid to let go of something that is causing you more pain than joy. The Joy Spot can only be achieved when we are honest with ourselves and sometimes that requires some pain.  

WHAT IS SUPPORT

Support looks different to everyone because of who we are. Every person was raised differently, and life has raised us even more differently. Who we were as a child or young adult may be the furthest thing from who you are now. Some of us have become hardened by the treatments of others and unyielding in relationships or broken with baggage which results in lacking the ability to be supportive. Some of us have become more accepting and desiring of meaningful relationships and willing to be supportive and help others sort through the baggage until the load is too heavy to bear especially if you are carrying your load alone; at that point you should deal with the pain of walking away.   

At this point in my life, I plan to work on the relationships/friendships that I have but I am not against new relationships because that is where you gain support, hence the topic of “Support”.   The bible verse says it perfectly: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NLT Bible.com

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NLT. Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.https://www.bible.com › bible › ECC.4.9-10.NLT

 

“You can go through life thinking you need no one but there comes a time in everyone’s life when they can’t pick themselves up.”

According to the Collins COBUILD Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, “If you are supportive, you are kind and helpful to someone at a difficult or unhappy time in their life.”

You cannot expect support and not be supportive. You cannot expect support and not communicate your needs.

You must accept people where they are and know when to communicate your needs. You may be at a point in your life where you are saying “NO NEW FRIENDS”, and that may work for you but make sure you work on the relationships/friendships you have and always stay Healthy, Happy, and Whole.  I know this seems to be more about friendships but remember relationships and friendships go hand in hand. (There will be a couples relationship blog later)

HOW TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS

Unfortunately, we do not have superpowers and are able to read each other’s minds, and if we could I fear we would still misunderstand the thought processes of others. Check this out:https://www.vassar.edu/stories/2017/170222-andrew-willett.html

With that being said, it is best that you simply state your needs and make them clear.

We can easily be upset with a friend that we feel isn’t supportive, but they may feel they are very supportive.

They offered you a listening ear, yet you needed a shoulder to cry on and you felt your needs were not met. They offered themselves in what they thought was an effective fashion because you neglected to share your actual needs.

They offered words of encouragement via text, but you needed someone to be your cheerleader at an event and you felt your needs were not met. Maybe you should have asked them to be present. They offered themselves in what they thought was an effective fashion because you neglected to share your actual needs.

This way of thinking should be indoctrinated into all your relationships. Do not expect people to be where you want them to be when you never expressed the need.

I can recall a time when I had a large event and no help. I was very upset at others for not offering to help because that is what I would have done, offered to help them. When the event was completed, I was left tired and angry. When I made mention to those that I felt should have been by my side, I was told that I never asked for help. Regardless of how I felt then I now can tell you that I ask for help when I need it! The lesson I learned was that the ability to handle ‘it all’ is sometimes an illusion that later causes us to have to be stressed and for some, this is the very cause of depression and anxiety. The lack of support can make us feel we are alone and the reality sometimes is that we isolated ourselves when we put up the façade of being able to handle it all. Pride and arrogance can block support whereas being honest and humble will welcome support.

 

For me, I only confide in a few and would have it no other way.  I rely heavily on my faith, but all do not have the same faith, my suggestion is that you better get you some of my faith because that support will never let you down. For those who rely on secular means, which is your friends and family, my suggestion is to speak up.  

• Do not allow your pride to make you miserable and lonely
• Do not allow fear of rejection to keep you quiet
• Do not allow rejection to hold you back
• Do not allow failed attempts at communication to end your future attempts (look back at the Meaningful Relationships blog,  "Sometimes accepting that your growth will not align with others' growth is how you build a meaningful relationship with yourself and then you can build more with others!")
• Do not negate the fact that you are stronger than you realize and sometimes believing in yourself is all the support you need

In what ways do you show yourself vulnerable?

How do you request support?

Do you need life coaching? Check this out:R.U.S.H.-Life Coaching

Share your thoughts with me on this topic and email me other topics you would like me to explore. acurrythoughts@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meaningful Relationships

Do you often just feel empty and cannot explain it?

Do you feel you are alone even when you are surrounded by many?

Do you feel you are a friend to many and yet have no real friends? 

Do you feel it's hard to enjoy friendships/relationships?

Do you feel your social media family is happier and more fulfilled than you or adversely do you feel that your social media family are liars and faking happiness? (There will be a blog on this at a later date)

MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS

Meaningful relationships are those that are deemed significant and include mutual respect, trust, interest, positive regard, and making the other person feel valued. 

It is so hard for adults to find meaningful relationships. We all want to be heard, supported, and loved.

It is easy to fall into the trap of being the person who supports everyone and never receives support when you are naturally a person who gives. 

It is also easy to become a person who overuses a giver when you feel you are overwhelmed and just need someone to listen. Sometimes you are tired of existing for everyone else and just want to exist for you. 

Building meaningful relationships means you can be both types but you must do both intentionally. 

Meaningful relationships require you to be as much a giver as you are a receiver. It's ok to share your life but you have to be able to listen to others share. It becomes hard when you try to build too many meaningful relationships (some can do it well though).

Lots of people feel they don't need to change but I need you to look deeply within yourself and decide if something is missing.

• Do you feel you are a friend to many and yet have no real friends? 
• Do you feel it's hard to enjoy friendships/relationships?
• Do you feel you are alone even when you are surrounded by many?
• Do you feel your social media family is happier and more fulfilled than you or adversely do you feel that your social media family are liars and faking happiness? (There will be a blog on this at a later date)
• Do you often just feel empty and cannot explain it?

If you answered yes to any of these then you should do a self evaluation. I am not saying it's you but when you want to seek changes in others you have to also seek changes in yourself and sometimes that means that you may need to make changes in your circle. It could be that your current circle is not for you and you need to build a new circle that is meaningful, which could happen as we get older and need new things. It could also be that you need to communicate with your current circle that you are changing and have new needs and their willingness to change will determine the future of your relationship. (There will be a blog on this at a later date)  

IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE DYNAMICS OF YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP/FRIENDSHIP TRY THESE THINGS:

1. Active Listening: Do not listen to respond, listen to understand. The key to active listening is to close off the world and pay attention to that person. No telephones, no comments, no rebuts, just listen, and when it's your time to speak expect the same active listening. Now if it's a back-and-forth conversation then there may be comments but that requires you to have emotional intelligence and consideration for each conversation and knowing your friendships dynamic.Check this out: https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-build-meaningful-relationships/       There is  also humor in active listening, check this out: BIG BANG THEORY on active listening & Listening Olympics 

   I have some friends that finishing each other's sentence is a sign of a strong relationship and love, whereas with others it's disrespectful and annoying. KNOW YOUR PEOPLE. To know your people, simply ask!

2. Be Present: Multitasking is not possible when you want to be entirely present! Even when you think you are actively listening and able to understand what is being said the other person may feel that you are not focused on them. The importance of your time together is diminished when telephone alerts, social media alerts, or you watching others seem to take over the attention you desire, even if it's just for a second. Learning to be present takes time when you are so accustomed to looking at your phone or sharing social media posts. The next time you are with a friend or family, consciously be present: check messages later, look at posts later, and tune into the person in front of you.  Check this Out:  @MintMillions THE PHONE

   I find that telling the person I am with what I desire and need is the best way to find like minded people. Either they will fall inline and love the idea by also helping you Be Present or they will hear you and continue as they are with multiple excuses. 

   Be prepared to be called out when you slip up. If the person calling you out is doing so because they want you present, then accept this and work on your shortcomings. We cannot expect what we do not grant to others. If they are calling you out to validate their behaviors, they are not like-minded and maybe you need to reconsider this relationship. 

"Sometimes accepting that your growth will not align with others' growth is how you build a meaningful relationship with yourself and then you can build more with others!" 

In order to find your Joy Spot you have to know yourself! Once you know "you", then let's build.

SUGGESTIONS FOR BUILDING MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS:

🔍Introspection:

Loving yourself and accepting that you can change, but only change your negative attributes. We all have negative attributes and we often overlook them as we are judging others. Do not change your positive attributes just because you feel others are not worthy, find those that are worthy of your good works and those that also have good works. Continue to follow and share this blog to help yourself and others. Remember that no one is perfect and although we all desire to have perfect friends and relationships, we are not perfect so we cannot expect perfection but we can expect compromise. 

 

🔍Self Affirmations:

Self-affirmation is the act of affirming one's own worthiness and value as an individual for beneficial effect (such as increasing one's confidence or raising self-esteem). Until you have a meaningful relationship with yourself you are unable to build with others. Knowing your worth will not allow others to take advantage of the goodness in you and will not allow others to grow the negatives in you with your resentment and frustrations. (There will be a blog on this at a later date)

Your positive affirmation can be a statement, a word each day, or many words; It can also be a goal for the day

Your phone home screen can be programmed with positive affirmations.

Write affirmations in your journal, calendar, or in various areas of your home

Put a nice board above the door you exit most frequently at home or work and add affirmations as needed

Download a positive affirmation app.(Transparency: I have never visited or used app https://www.uniquedailyaffirmations.com/(There will be a blog on this at a later date with ones I have tried with reviews)

Wake up and write positive statements on the mirror with a dry-erase marker

Wake up and write positive statements on a sticky note (Lei-Tip: You can store them in a photo book and re-use when you need that message again)

🔍Like-Mindedness:

Find people that feel like you. You are not alone. Many others lack real relationships. As much as you hate being alone or feeling alone you still make no effort to change. This behavior will result in a continuous state of loneliness and non-meaningful relationships. 

1. Try to make your current relationships better by talking it out and compromising
2. Join church groups
3. Join a social club
4. Meet up with some old-school friends
5.  As much as social media has its faults it also has its benefits. Use social media to help you and not hurt you via self-esteem bashing. Some people on social media are truly happy and simply want to share. Use those suggestions and ideas to help you and your growth with your relationships. I just want you to use social media as a guide and NEVER care if the information is true or false in terms of a person's joy because your Joy Spot is not defined by theirs. 
6. There are groups to find friends and people to hang with. They have more than dating apps, they also have friend apps. (Transparency: I have never visited or used site but I have been given good reviews on it by others!)  Check out https://bumble.com/en-us/bff 

Find your kinda people

with Bumble For Friend 

 

Tell me how you build meaningful relationships as adults?

Continue to share and follow. If you have topics you would like to discuss email me or leave a comment.   acurrythoughts@gmail.com

Your "Joy" Spot

Sometimes we just need to talk it out. We are not looking for concrete solutions, and we are not looking for anyone to solve our problems; we just want to talk it out! 

As we dialogue we realize that the answer is solid, yet the path is fluid. 

The path to healing requires us to be able to speak our truths when we feel comfortable and we hold this to be evidence-based simply with the presence of a therapist. The first step to healing in therapy is talking. We will circle back to this soon. 

It is hard to navigate everything we face daily and sometimes it seems as if no one understands us. It makes no difference that our problem is not the first of its kind nor the first time we may have encountered it. Each problem erects a statue in its honor without our permission. 

It stands tall and proud as a reminder of our incompetence. This statue adds to our anxiety, stress, depression, and inability to find joy. The path to joy is in us but that statue tries to block the way.

My blogs will be about ways to find joy and be able to demolish the statues that have taken up residence in our lives. The problems will not cease so we have to have ways to communicate with ourselves utilizing self-talk, affirmations and possibly moving on to life coaches and/or therapy. There is no perfect or simple solution but the problems are not perfect or simple either. We put some work into our problems (this is a blog by itself!!) so we can't expect to solve our problems without work.

 Join me on this journey of self-discovery, solutions, and becoming intimate with yourself as you find the “Joy Spot”. 

acurrythoughts@gmail.com